What His Favourite Sex Position REALLY Says About Him
By Evan Scott Schwartz
A guy spills all the dirty (and hilarious) details.
You can tell a lot about a guy from his shoes or his car or the way he treats people in general. But if you want real insight into his weird brain, check out his preferred sexual position.
One simple act that can be done in countless ways means whatever choice he makes says a lot about who he is as a man. So here’s what each means about your guy, along with his yearbook superlative and what I’m guessing his favourite dirty talk phrase is.
If you’re too busy to read them all, here’s a cheat sheet: Every sex position means he is a weird pervert and you should run away immediately.
Favourite Position: Missionary
What It Means: He failed art class for lack of creativity. He learned all his sex moves from PG-13 movies and thinks lighting a candle is the height of romance. He is a patent lawyer or accountant.
Voted Most Likely To: Have The Same Haircut Until He Dies; Describe A Sunset As “Pretty Good”
Favourite Dirty Talk: “Do you like that? Do you like that? Do you like that? Do you…oh, you’re asleep.”
Favourite Position: Doggy Style
What It Means: He wishes you looked more like Nicki Minaj and less like Keira Knightly. His Internet search history is 29 different variations on the word “butt.” He watches a lot of Animal Planet.
Voted Most Likely To: Drop The Hottest Mixtape In The Streets; Get Arrested At The Dog Park
Favourite Dirty Talk: “MY ANACONDA DON’T!”
Favourite Position: Standing
What It Means: >He is a NASA advanced mathematician with an innate understanding of angles, degrees and torque. Or he is roughly your same height.
Voted Most Likely To:Win The Claw Machine At The Fair
Favourite Dirty Talk: “Oh, yeah baby, now raise your left leg four centimetres and rotate your hips 75 degrees to the right. Prepare for entry.
Favourite Position: 69
What It Means: He’s the type of guy who thinks two B’s equals one A. He likes to text while driving and uses his laptop on the toilet. He thinks he is a great multi-tasker, but he really just has ADD.
Voted Most Likely To: Eat A Sandwich While Exchanging Wedding Vows; Listen To Two iPods At Once
Favourite Dirty Talk:[muffled noises]
Favourite Position: Cowgirl
What It Means: He has a bad back or is very lazy – or both. He orders in both lunch and dinner every day and occasionally breakfast. He has never once helped do the dishes.
Voted Most Likely To: Order An Uber To Take Him To The Mailbox And Back
Favourite Dirty Talk: “Yeah, uh huh. Just like that. Do that. Okay, now do that. Just keep doing that, I’ll let you know you when I’m good.”
Favourite Position: Reverse Cowgirl
What It Means: He wants you to have an orgasm, but he’s worried about getting bored while he waits.
Voted Most Likely To: Wear A Go-Pro Camera On His Head
Favourite Dirty Talk:: N/A; he is silent, as if he were admiring a beautiful painting at a museum.
Favourite Position: Spooning
What It Means: He’s tired. So very tired. Also, he props his laptop on its side when he lies in bed so he catch up on his Netflix.
Voted Most Likely To: Get A Severe Sunburn On One Side Only; Slowly Fuse To A Couch Like On Some Awful TLC Show
Favourite Dirty Talk: Does snoring count?
Favourite Position: Lotus
What It Means: He has way too much self-confidence, none of it warranted. He listens to a lot of Sting, but never Sting & The Police. He biggest turn-on is breaking a hip.
Voted Most Likely To: Grow A Man Bun; Own A Poncho; Die From Autoerotic Asphyxiation
Favourite Dirty Talk: “Listen to these Buddhist chants I learned from my guru, Chad.”
Favourite Position: On The Floor
What It Means: He just moved into a new apartment and has no furniture yet. He just bought a brand-new rug and wants to ruin it. You are currently on Jupiter and gravitational forces are pulling you toward the ground.
Voted Most Likely To: Have Carpet Burns; Induce Carpet Burns
Favourite Dirty Talk: “Oh cool, the remote was under the sofa the whole time.”
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